Vacation!

So, just got back in from a fudging SWEET luau! Well for the most part it was sweet.

You guys ever seen Thor or Iron Man at the beach? Delicious men, ladies. Absolutely delicious. Why did I op to stay sober? I wanted some adult fun! The Avengers have all the lovely men.

That aside, the beach was a lot of fun and it was really cool. I met this guy... Rion? He seemed nice. I participated in a relay race with Julian...

And there's when the vacation went straight to hell. He made me feel like I don't belong back on Utopia. And I don't, do I? I don't belong with them. We won the race, but he just made me so miserable. That night and the following day, I just... Laid in bed and cried. I want to belong, to fit in...

Then when we leave, Emma got on my case for something I said in passing, made me feel even worse.

I don't belong there. I'm not an X-Man, am I? I'm just a mutant, nothing more, nothing less. I'm a middle-school drop out without a job. I'm a grown woman with no direction in life. I'm not even Mistress Myth anymore. I'm just... Autumn Eve Trinity. And I am nothing.

It hurts more now. I can't grasp onto what I thought I was. My confidence is slipping. I can't keep doing this. I have to stabilize myself.

Just Smile

Okay, at least I admit it. But all giggling over the sexy phantom in white aside.

Just figured I'd talk about myself for once. I don't really do it that often, so stop complaining. Found a song that seriously... Guh. You know a song that just describes you to a T? I found one for myself.

The video posted in this blog entry is totally it.

My parents did display public affection a few times, but never out in public. No one ever talked to me about love for anything other than god. Actually... Did my parents ever kiss?

I taught myself what "making love" was, I learned what a kiss was, all underground. I learned my own definition of love, and now I think... All love is? Is being hurt.

I hate learning what love is, when I think I've already felt it. This... Love that's going to go unrequited.

In my last entry, I basically fangirled all about Fantomex, yeah. I want him, on a complete physical and intellectual level. I know this. I acknowledge it fairly well. He's smart, sexy, and has this way with words. Oh, and what he can do with enough time and a woman in his bed...

Bad. No. Do not talk about sex on your blog, Autumn!

ANYWAY. BEFORE THIS GETS TRIPLE X RATED.

I... I still think I love Remy. I think I'm always going to. About half of my illusion was real. Half of it was him. I fell in love, for real, I think. It was a greedy love, at first. I was still a child. I only wanted him for myself, and never ever share him. I wanted to kiss him, feel his arms around me, and I thought that meant I was happy. Even now, I do want to hear him say he loves me.

But, now? I would rather he was happy with whoever he wants, and I was miserable if I had to be. The thought of him, smiling an honest smile, living the kind of life he wants to? It makes my heart skip beats and I know everything is okay. I'm fine if I have to watch him have a life without me, ever. I'll make my own life, but I'll be okay.

Just so long as he is smiling an honest smile, and loving his life.

Okay, so, like, I'm SUPER tired right now...

I believe I told you all about Fantomex before, right? He wears all white, sexy, thief, speaks French randomly... Well, Deadpool visited not that long saying he was looking for him.

And then told me that what happened between me and him was not part of the illusion. I was so excited, so happy... I want to see him again soon, but no idea how I could even...

Oh, but you don't understand how happy I am just to know that it wasn't an illusion! Something real!

(Side thought, I think I'd look good with him regardless. All my color and his pure white canvas of a costume? Of course, I'm thinking of other things, too. *giggles* ...Oh don't give me those looks! I'm a sexual woman who's been deprived for god knows how long anymore.)

Now, someone asked if I'll ever get back with Gambit. And honestly? ...No, I doubt I ever will. And I'll get over it someday. For now, part of me still... Still loves what I know of him. He'll never care, never know, and I'm fine with that. The string of fate probably isn't for us.

But I would like to know who is on the other end of my string.

Now, to add to the drama of hell. Laura might not be coming home, and I'm in charge of giving her kid this envelope... Is it a rule of thumb? Mutant = FUBAR?

I'm telling you. God is either the greatest sin of all, or just doesn't exist!

As for all Utopia happenings... I know jack shit. Still in Manhattan with mom!

The new me!

Hey guys! Updating from Manhattan with my mom. She designed a new costume for me, as well as got me this new arm.

On a different note, I have changed quite a bit while I've been here... I'm glad I got to spend time with my mom. I've changed, I can tell. Instead of being afraid, hurt and upset... I look to the future, ready to take on anyone and anything.

Soooo....

The adults are back. Remy got back with Rogue.

Its useless. I cant have him. That illusion was merely that, and it breaks my heart.

That aside, I am typing onehanded, ignore typos. Why/ My left arm got hacked off when the Purifiers attacked. FUCK! Tis is hard.

Mistress Myth

LIFE is INSANE

So, after... An interesting conversation last night in the kitchen, and... A /wonderful/ night in Remy's bed, I'm... Involved with him again.

But now he and all the other senior X-Men are gone. I have no clue where. It's up to us now.

Hey guys...

I wish I could say I haven't updated because I'm busy being a mom and an X-Man...

No, it isn't true. All of my relationship with him turned out to be such a believable illusion, it fooled even me. I've tried to pursue an actual relationship with him, but to no avail. And somewhere down the road, Victor tried to cheer me up with some X tabs.

My life has been so fucked up, and I'm trying to make it better... Even tried to pick up my classes, y'know? Finish school and all... And I just... I'm still so injured. I was so happy in that illusion sometimes... It felt like, at last, I was allowed to be happy. And now I'm back to lonely misery.

All I want... All I ever wanted... Is to be loved.

Victor told Remy, after we tried going out and stuff... I had no idea, until I was at his plantation house in New Orleans. Then the very next day, he said something like, "She's a nice girl and all, but it'd be too weird."

My heart shattered. It's pointless. I can't have him, I get it now.

But why do I want him so bad? Why do I want him to love me? Why him?